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A Very English Prayer

Posted by: amethystspiral | February 7, 2010 | No Comment |

My prayer…

 

Dear Lord,

I pray that my students will not just have knowledge about English, but they will know how to use the skills. I pray that I will work with objectives in mind. God, I pray that the beginning of my Action Research and all of its procedures and testing, will be successful. Let the research be relevant to my students in my teaching and curriculum. And lastly, about the choice of words again, let Josh and I seek to honour you in what we do, to affirm each other with encouraging words. Let us spend a good CNY together with our relatives.

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Magma wine place..

Posted by: amethystspiral | January 12, 2010 | No Comment |

I’m just re-reading my blog after a wine and dinner session with a friend who counselled me.. and I can’t believe how acrimonious I sound. I don’t hate him.. I love him very much in fact. But as my friend pointed out, boundary keeping is obviously not one of my best strengths. The uncertainty and insecurity of not contacting him obviously grates me.. but if I have to go cold turkey to understand what’s going on.. I will. After all, my first love is God and not him.

OK.. back to my paper… ya..

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rewards, payment, debt.

Posted by: amethystspiral | January 11, 2010 | No Comment |

Today I was very happy that my student had topped the cohort in her O level results in CC. However, it was not really about the results. It was about the journey. When I told her I was proud of her, I told her it was about her as a person, not just the results. And I meant it. When Straits Times came to interview her, just by virtue of being her mentor and lit teacher, I got interviewed as well. What an honour!

Work brings rewards.

I am looking at some Korea travel photos of my pastor friends. Just looking at it, makes me feel I want to share this travel experience with J in future. I look at some nice words and books, and I think about how you will like them. Then I remember how testy and screwed up and how awesome some of our travel experiences have been thus far.. and then I got confused again and think about how there could be possibly no future. I think I am getting cynical.. or am I just getting a rmuch-needed reality check?? Do I only love you when you are nice? And what’s nice? It doesn’t matter how many times u tell me you love me, I still can’t see where I am going.  Sham says just a bit more time is needed now to see whether I should hold on or walk away. I know.. that’s why I am choosing to keep my distance. Love is just an emotion if uttered, you know the actions should reflect reality. I can’t help it, all the things that you say and do… I snap like a broken leaf whenever you are fatalistic. I forgive over and over and I do love you.. I repair over and over the broken parts but does love really overcome the odds? Some colleagues are predicting the wedding march song but I am just looking askew and running away. What certainty do they draw on? What inference skills are they using? How come I don’t have any? I can’t help it. You know why also. Rather than placing pressure on myself to make things work, I have decided to place my focus on God and my work, which is where the greatest pay-offs have ever been I suppose.

Love doesn’t bring rewards. In his words, some things don’t have ‘mileage’.

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Forgiveness

Posted by: amethystspiral | December 10, 2009 | No Comment |

Forgive them for they
don’t know what they do Lord
And give them the strength
to stay true
Crying everyday, I know
I’ll never see the day,
When the world is caving
in I wonder who’ll be saved
I know that you love
me and You know I love you too
Everybody’s letting go
but Lord I found you
I stay blessed with myself
Cause its a test when I walk out
I puff my chest at Life’s
endless challenges
I wanna participate and create
But theres a barricade within me
Wake up and back to sleep
Energy depletes
Now Im feeling dead like a eulogy
The duality
Of what’s real and what’s lies
I feel the vibes
Of chaos and design
I got a cup link
And I got it straight pimpin
Rock shades at night
Cause my loneliness is blaring
The only choice I got
is fear or love
Success is to be with the L.O.V.E.
GeeStyles
I dougied a vision
God shows me a path through
intuition
It’s divine decision
It’s the moment Im catching
If its a battle for the mind
Then all day I’ll be blasting
I’ve seen it before
I never knew the score
I’m wide awake and watching
as the world explodes
Forgive them for they
don’t know what they do, Lord
And give me the strength
to stay true
Day to day I prayed
Hoping today is a better day
So many wasted, knocked
down, and easily swayed
Living a life of this
self hate, how do we begin
To sin, no win, and no openin.
Kids getting abused by
pills… what a waste
They take not knowing
their life will soon break
Life is too short for
that kinna game
it’s not worth it, it’s
so lame and I proclaim that its no one to blame.
I’ve lived the life Ive
loved to live
Taking back all my life
I serve to give
Soldier on all the hate
I cant feel the bliss
Loving from the inside
I cant feel the kiss
One life thats all there is
Real life, is where hell begins
Man killing man! Is the
main cause of it
Fight for your right is all of this
Save me lord
I never meant to be this way
Id given up on everything
and all I had was pain
Oh why, why do we play these games
I’ve given up my everything
to be with you
I’ve seen it before
I never knew the score
I’m wide awake and watching
as the world explodes
Forgive them for they
dont know what they do, Lord
And give me the strength
to stay true– From Sammi Cheng’s new song ‘Forgiveness’

Pardon the lack of punctuation in the lyrics above– I can’t be bothered as I copied and pasted this song out. Wow ,this  song is super evocative for me and it totally encapsulates my experience of the changing and spiralling world today- the threat of both chaos and design. I have no idea if Sammi is doing a cover of somebody else’s song or is this original, but to me it’s totally mindblowing. A huge midsection of this is actually rap by one or two others. Basically I feel this song is about a blase person who is snapped to attention when he/she sees the miscarriage of justice on a daily basis and the intermixing of the rap brings to mind different discordant voices that ring out about how they lived and made mistakes that caused them pain. But forgiveness, yes, even self-forgiveness and the love of God is important and almost fundamental to a world that questions its design by God, for even with it, battling with loneliness and self doubt is an issue everyone grapples with. But at the end of it all, it’s important that ‘I know that you love me and You know I love you too; Everybody’s letting go but Lord I found you. I stay blessed with myself’. Everybody’s letting go but Lord I found you. I stay blessed with myself’. Also, I feel that all forms of interpretation, will become more marked and pronounced with the end-times, as we can no longer choose to ignore what we see around us. Therefore, it becomes important not just to ’see the score’ but to understand what to do with our cultural or moral interpretations, and not to become disillusioned because of the increased depravity or lawlessness of our times. Interpretation is in itself potent- that’s perhaps why Jesus said our eye is so important..

Anyway, what have you been struggling with today? Maybe it’s not alien to you. But Jesus forgave you, and you can forgive yourself. The repetitiveness of the song’s chorus brings to mind a daily situation that people face, situations that are grappled with, but yes– God still reigns. There is however, a battle, and to stay passive is to run aground.

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An Education (contains spoilers!)

Posted by: amethystspiral | December 6, 2009 | No Comment |

I’m begining to have a new idea of giving, and  I’m going to work on my obedience to God in this area.

Watched J toss his offering in desperately at church, for fear he will retrieve back his offering. I know he will be blessed. Come to think of it, there was a better spirit of positivity.

I watched An Education with him. I think it really provoked me to think and reflect on what education really is. Is it a curriculum? A social passport to a higher life? A product of being in a branded school? An acquiring of social status?  A crucial alternative if one didn’t want to lead a life of low crime and trickery because “we’re not smart people”?

The lead character, Jenny, led a humdrum, repressive life in west London surburban, determined to do well in a preparatory course for Oxford. Oxford became the embodiment of adult freedom that she could aspire to, to be clever, smart, arty and French speaking once she got there.. except her life almost got derailed by an encounter of a oily antiquities pilferer and lousy landlord and two-timing husband, David. Only after she agrees to an “engagement” and gets “proposed to” does she realise the man is actually already married. What amazed me is that every review says David is a scumbag. Only a scumbag? Yes, he is.. but is that the only thing about him? He seemed to be totally convinced by his own lies, which was amazing, really. What really tells me is that if we repeat the same things to ourselves, we eventually believe it. He seemed genuinely moved by his passion and sensitivity to the girl, except it happened… to other girls as well.  What motivated him and his friends, Helen and Danny? The premise of a good life. Yes, Jenny is seduced by their intoxicating lifestyle of good food, good wine, debauchery and culture, except that this culture is more a reflection of the need to enjoy the five senses rather than to really show an appreciation of art. So when the camera does a sweep of Helen’s and Danny’s house, it is opulent and rich, but lacking in soul as the motley objects are displayed randomly. Compared with the gravelly teacher, Miss Stubb,  we see Stubb’s house is a coherent, modest and tasteful display of art, showing her modest but rich inner life. I watched with a mixture of horror and fascination that David, Danny and Helen can lead such aimless lives of enjoyment day after day.

 Really felt very much for Jenny in the end. it seemed like a bit of a cop-out. Although she did get into Oxford despite the heartbreak and the disillusionment of feeling “older but not wiser” after all the desperate attempts to be a sophisticate, I felt she got into Oxford not out of choice, but out of an awareness there was nothing very much awaiting her if she did not get into marriage. Her education at school was depicted as cold, dull and irrelevant to life. Why should it be that way? Why didn’t anybody tell her what translating all that Latin was for? Why didn’t anybody tell her what was the purpose of reading Jane Eyre? But she had to choose it to get on somewhere in life. Although one argues the process of studying made her more purposeful, I do wonder if  she genuinely likes what she is doing. Her teacher, Miss Stubbs, leads a  life of respectability in well-ordered universe, but is that the end of the story? Does she really get any excitement from her static world? More importantly, as an educator, are we helping or at least facilitating our kids “to talk to people who know lots about lots”, like Jenny wanted to, so that they turn to the right avenues? Jenny’s loss is a story provoked by too much repression and control. On the cusp of young adult life, nobody explained to her that the world was bound to be intoxicating. And nobody introduced her to things out of the academic world so that life outside would not be so intoxicating. Very thought-provoking. Do we get a second chance if we fail? But if we want to pass, do we want to pass for the right reasons?

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Right.

Posted by: amethystspiral | November 30, 2009 | No Comment |

In case anybody thinks I have died with the last pseudo couple quarrel with J, I have not.. I have been busy with my Masters module, mainly attending classes and writing papers, or attempting to write papers.  Another J, for Joli, has kindly suggested she will help out at our wedding next. I think that doesn’t even qualify as a joke, Joli.. at least jokes have punchlines and this doesn’t like even work.   =) Ok.. but why am I getting hissy and polluting my own blog.. haha.

I have become this ‘inquiry-motivated-by-curiosity’ teacher in Masters class. Somehow I feel empowered to speak up and so on. It’s been really great. I’ve never felt so empowered giving my opinions. God knows why.. I think there is a skill in eliciting student response. It is known as… talk little and look meaningful. Of course, that doesn’t work in a typical adrenaline charged teenager classroom. It only works in postgraduate courses where everybody has the greater capacity to construe meaningful silences. We just did a presentation today… we were given one hour to do this mockup to teach teachers. We survived. Yaaay. You don’t know man… teachers by reputation are the most critical of the lot.

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If I wait.

Posted by: amethystspiral | November 27, 2009 | No Comment |

If I wait,
I see less reason to ever lose hope.
If I wait,
I turn chance into choice.
If I wait,
I can ask better questions.
If I wait,
I can get better answers.
If I wait,
I save a few extra bucks.
If I wait,
I will receive.
If I wait,
my enemy has to wait to retaliate.
If I wait,
pain turns into hindsight.
If I wait,
thoughts become ideas.
If I wait,
others wait.

If I wait,

 
God waits.
For me.

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Posted by: amethystspiral | November 22, 2009 | No Comment |

You’re on your way to Vienna now.. I hope you are well.

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Thank you for lying

Posted by: amethystspiral | November 21, 2009 | No Comment |

I hate being alone after I met you.

I realise I enjoy being alone in comparison to being alone with you.

I enjoy being alone with you.

I can’t be alone with you.

I am alone when I am with you.

And lastly, when all of these contradictions stand, I just wish I never knew you.

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What happened?

Posted by: amethystspiral | November 9, 2009 | No Comment |

I just don’t get it when people die. I understand natural acts of God, only barely.

But when people die in a way that is unexplained, especially in suicide, I feel it is overwhelming. First, I read about the groom who perished on his wedding day on Josh’s birthday. Then, the man who kills his children and commits suicide in AMK. Further, the American pyschiatrist who killed soldiers randomly.

It seems within like this year there are so many of such cases. My hair just stands on end when I read about their grieving spouses and killed children. I can’t imagine how their loved ones will cope with it.

Suicide is such a waste of life. When I say this, it is not in  a condemnatory,  judgmental way. It is just a recognition of how I feel their family would feel in the face of loss. I can imagine.

Genesis 2:7
the LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

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